My little brother, sex, and a case of embarrassment
For those of you who happen to be acquainted with my brother (or are at least aware of his existence) should not worry that my 11-year-old brother (let's call him "D.") is actually having sex. Yet. However, my mother today had a rather intense conversation with him about sex. And she gave him permission to ask me about it.
Oh, my God.
Let us back up briefly. It's not so much mom-volunteering-me-to-talk-to-my-brother part that really bothers me (although it is a bit of a shocker, since I remember his birth when I was 19 and think of him still as a boy). My sweetie made a good point over the phone... As embarrassed as am talking about sex with my mother probably approximates how embarrassed he might one day be. In other words, I might be the less mortifying person to whom he might direct questions. What really bothered me was that my mother started telling me what she told D. Which meant that I was forced into a conversation with my mother--completely out of nowhere, as far as I was concerned--about sex.
You see, my mother is one of those parents who shamelessly discussed sex with my sister and I. I say "shameless" because she seems to be totally un-embarrassed. No blushing. No stammering. Just a sense that it's a perfectly natural thing for family members to discuss. And it is. Sort of.
Here's the thing: As someone who has participated as both participant and leader in a variety of sexual education settings, I am entirely aware of the importance of parents conveying to their children sexual values and expectations (i.e. "house rules"). In particular, children should hear from their parents from a very young age about such topics as basic health and hygiene, appropriate and inappropriate ways to touch, how babies are conceived (the basic mechanics of sex), and how sex is a healthy and natural way to express love. But then, there are the details: different types of sexual acts, for example. It's not that I want children to learn about the varieties of sexual experience from other children. On the contrary, I think that such information should come from a knowledgable, trusted adult. (I have even played the role of the "trusted adult" as part of my religious teaching.) It's just that I think that there's something a bit inappropriate for children (even as adults) to think too much about their parents sexuality. And talking about it implies some sort of first-hand experience of it when you talk to your parents.
I don't want to think about my mother having sex. Which, in point of fact, I was forced to do at a rather early age. My parents separated in 1979, when my mother was 27. And she definitely was not your typical single-parent with no time for a sex life. She dated like crazy. Then, she unexpectedly had my brother, out of wedlock, when I was finishing my second year of college. None of these things is shameful, per se. It's just that it makes me feel like my mother's sexuality isn't really private. And it's not shame I want her to feel, I guess, but rather shyness or discomfiture.
Maybe I'm just squeamish, but it didn't help that my mother's conversation with D. today was not so straight-forward. I'm not sure exactly how it started, but rather the topics of conversation they hit on. D. just started middle school today, and he spoke about how two girls in his class have already caught is eye and that our cousin S. (who is his age) warned him away from a girl who came over to him at lunch (apparently she tries to get little boys to buy her jewelry... go figure that one out). He's trying to decide which of these girls he's going to "love." Which is kinda sweet, even if I think it reflects a bit on his immaturity (or maybe I'm just jaded after teaching in LA and the Bay Area). Then, they got somehow into social pressures about PDA (kids in the hall making out, and such things). They also talked about how calling someone "gay" shouldn't be an insult, and the kid in one of his after-school activities who has two mommies.
And then comes the kicker--somehow D. asked my mother if it's rape if someone is tied up when having sex.
WHAT??!!!
Basically, he'd never really understood what rape was--he vaguely knew it was an attack that involved something sexual. Apparently, he'd figured out that, if people (maybe on TV) would get tied up when they'd get kidnapped, maybe those tied-up people would sometimes be forced to have sex with their kidnappers.
My mother (who I could tell was at least shocked by this) told him that sometimes this was true, but that sometimes people would asked to be tied up in a caring way, and that could be OK, particularly if they weren't getting hurt. (I now know that my mom sees rope-burn to be a sign of an inappropriate sexual encounter, even if it was consensual.) That's the point of the conversation where I started getting particularly mortified and glazing over... (and here it isn't even the idea that maybe my mother has asked to be tied up)... Finally, what it comes down to is that I really didn't want to contemplate a non-vanilla sex act in conversations with my mother because I don't want my mother to discover my views on any non-vanilla sex act and therefore draw any conclusions about my participation in any of those activities. Basically, I just don't want my mother to think about me and sex in the same sentence.
To sum up: I don't want to (1) think about my mother having sex, (2) view my mother as an expert on sex (particularly if her knowledge is first-hand), (3) be lured into a conversation of sexual content with my mother, without warning, (4) discuss with my mother any sexual act not required for natural conception, or (5) contemplate my sexual activities.
Is this too much to ask?
Oh, my God.
Let us back up briefly. It's not so much mom-volunteering-me-to-talk-to-my-brother part that really bothers me (although it is a bit of a shocker, since I remember his birth when I was 19 and think of him still as a boy). My sweetie made a good point over the phone... As embarrassed as am talking about sex with my mother probably approximates how embarrassed he might one day be. In other words, I might be the less mortifying person to whom he might direct questions. What really bothered me was that my mother started telling me what she told D. Which meant that I was forced into a conversation with my mother--completely out of nowhere, as far as I was concerned--about sex.
You see, my mother is one of those parents who shamelessly discussed sex with my sister and I. I say "shameless" because she seems to be totally un-embarrassed. No blushing. No stammering. Just a sense that it's a perfectly natural thing for family members to discuss. And it is. Sort of.
Here's the thing: As someone who has participated as both participant and leader in a variety of sexual education settings, I am entirely aware of the importance of parents conveying to their children sexual values and expectations (i.e. "house rules"). In particular, children should hear from their parents from a very young age about such topics as basic health and hygiene, appropriate and inappropriate ways to touch, how babies are conceived (the basic mechanics of sex), and how sex is a healthy and natural way to express love. But then, there are the details: different types of sexual acts, for example. It's not that I want children to learn about the varieties of sexual experience from other children. On the contrary, I think that such information should come from a knowledgable, trusted adult. (I have even played the role of the "trusted adult" as part of my religious teaching.) It's just that I think that there's something a bit inappropriate for children (even as adults) to think too much about their parents sexuality. And talking about it implies some sort of first-hand experience of it when you talk to your parents.
I don't want to think about my mother having sex. Which, in point of fact, I was forced to do at a rather early age. My parents separated in 1979, when my mother was 27. And she definitely was not your typical single-parent with no time for a sex life. She dated like crazy. Then, she unexpectedly had my brother, out of wedlock, when I was finishing my second year of college. None of these things is shameful, per se. It's just that it makes me feel like my mother's sexuality isn't really private. And it's not shame I want her to feel, I guess, but rather shyness or discomfiture.
Maybe I'm just squeamish, but it didn't help that my mother's conversation with D. today was not so straight-forward. I'm not sure exactly how it started, but rather the topics of conversation they hit on. D. just started middle school today, and he spoke about how two girls in his class have already caught is eye and that our cousin S. (who is his age) warned him away from a girl who came over to him at lunch (apparently she tries to get little boys to buy her jewelry... go figure that one out). He's trying to decide which of these girls he's going to "love." Which is kinda sweet, even if I think it reflects a bit on his immaturity (or maybe I'm just jaded after teaching in LA and the Bay Area). Then, they got somehow into social pressures about PDA (kids in the hall making out, and such things). They also talked about how calling someone "gay" shouldn't be an insult, and the kid in one of his after-school activities who has two mommies.
And then comes the kicker--somehow D. asked my mother if it's rape if someone is tied up when having sex.
WHAT??!!!
Basically, he'd never really understood what rape was--he vaguely knew it was an attack that involved something sexual. Apparently, he'd figured out that, if people (maybe on TV) would get tied up when they'd get kidnapped, maybe those tied-up people would sometimes be forced to have sex with their kidnappers.
My mother (who I could tell was at least shocked by this) told him that sometimes this was true, but that sometimes people would asked to be tied up in a caring way, and that could be OK, particularly if they weren't getting hurt. (I now know that my mom sees rope-burn to be a sign of an inappropriate sexual encounter, even if it was consensual.) That's the point of the conversation where I started getting particularly mortified and glazing over... (and here it isn't even the idea that maybe my mother has asked to be tied up)... Finally, what it comes down to is that I really didn't want to contemplate a non-vanilla sex act in conversations with my mother because I don't want my mother to discover my views on any non-vanilla sex act and therefore draw any conclusions about my participation in any of those activities. Basically, I just don't want my mother to think about me and sex in the same sentence.
To sum up: I don't want to (1) think about my mother having sex, (2) view my mother as an expert on sex (particularly if her knowledge is first-hand), (3) be lured into a conversation of sexual content with my mother, without warning, (4) discuss with my mother any sexual act not required for natural conception, or (5) contemplate my sexual activities.
Is this too much to ask?
posted by Rochel Leah at
12:03 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home